be brave

Frah E cyf ruf rec fungc dinhat uid naymmo kuut (yht udranc drehg cu duu), E lyh'd ramb pid kneh du socamv ymm tyo.

Ra sicd pa vaamehk cu rybbo.

E ys CIYGI (haf funt E maynhd) du dra syq.

Caasc mega ed'c buccepma vun sa du secc cusauha y mud.

E fecr E lyh pa drana du caa dra drehkc ra caa.

E fecr E ryja dra bufan du lraan res ib frah ra kadc ehdu uha uv druca suutc.

Pid dra dnidr ec, E tuh'd ryja dryd bufan, hud yhosuna. Drana ec hudrehk eh sa dryd ra megac huf, yht E ghuf ra fuimt ajahdiymmo veht cusauha amca.

Cdnyhkamo, E drehg E fuimt pa rymv-ahjeuic yht rymv-kmyt frah ra tuac veht dryd cusauha, palyica E ghuf huf ruf yfacusa ed vaamc du muja yht pa mujat.

Yht ra femm pa vaamehk cu rybbo.

Frelr ec fro E ryja du maynh du hajan pudran res ykyeh, zicd mega ruf E ryja maynhd ruf du muja. (Drana ec y hajan-ahtehk mecd uv drehkc du maynh eh Meva.)

E sayh, Pyt Drehkc ymfyoc rybbah frahajan E dneat du dymg du res. E cusadesac fyga ib lnoehk palyica so rayt fyc bmyoehk y myda-hekrd nabayd pnuytlycd uv cusa uv dra funtc ra cyet.

Ed'c duikr du ryja du mayja res ymuha. E tu ehtimka eh Cdibet Vyhdycdelym Esykehyno clahyneuc eh frelr fa aht ib paehk vneahtmo dufyntc aylr udran ykyeh. Iciymmo eh ipan lunho fyoc.

Pid yd dra aht uv dra tyo, E ryja du gaab dra pek beldina eh seht (kyft, E's pyt yd dryd) yht nasaspan dryd "ed'c bnupypmo vun dra pacd".

Be brave.

(I apologise for being me. This is one of those things I feel I absolutely must do. Ignore!)

look to the right

And notice that I have learnt how to use Twitter!

*confetti*

I'm mostly doing this for the sake of my dear parents and Oi Shan. We shall call it the H-checker, the sole official indicator that HH Is Alive!

Call the police if I don't say something within 24 hours. Otherwise, I'M ALIVE. I repeat, I'M ALIVE.

sex shop

I went into one while I was on the Reeperbahn in Hamburg.

It just felt like the right moment to have my First Time in one of these things, because

1. I was travelling alone and feeling particularly brave

2. I actually thought it was a bookstore at first because they put the books with tastefully naked people up front i.e. it looked non-seedy.

3. I had my passport with me to prove I'm over 18.

It was a fairly big moment for me, kind of like the time I realised that Jesus doesn't physically appear in the clouds on Good Friday.

And the experience taught me the extent of my ignorance.

The phallic objects and sex dolls I could understand, but there were these entirely mysterious objects that I had no idea where on the body they are meant to be used. I spent a good hour in there trying to work out the biology and physics of it all. The torture implements in the BSDM section were the most perplexing o.o

Where do you go to learn all these things? Even Wikipedia doesn't know that much. All the knowledge I received from the Sex Museum in Amsterdam wasn't enough.

Ah, the mysteries of the world.

if I could

... I would teleport home to Singapore every night.

I would sit there in front of my computer and stay up all night watching/reading something lame.

I would chill with a huge cup of pudding caramel milk tea which my dad brings home from work sometimes.

I would have a Maggi Penang Laksa party with my siblings at 3am (and not get caught).

I would be there to secretly open the front door for my sister when she comes home late from a night out with Mr. Sungha. Just like she did for me before.

I would make sure Mr. Sungha doesn't break any hearts.

And then I would teleport back to Sweden and continue my wondrous exchange life.

If only.

I am painful and awkward and shy

I keep priding myself in receiving Best Improvement Awards (self-awarded) for my courage in facing new people and other social encounters.

Then now I am creating the impression that no one lives in my room in Vilhelmsro. Tactics include

1. keeping the lights off all the time and drawing the blinds

2. eating biscuits for meals because I am too likely to bump into someone in the kitchen

3. bathing at 4am, and only after I've scouted the area and certified it people-less

4. climbing out of my window if there are people in my common area (just outside my door).

I am deep-shit terrified of having to stammer through an explanation when someone asks me (hypothetically), "haven't seen you in a while, girl!"

My gawd I haven't changed. I am still as autistic as the day I was born. I am still too shy to talk to strangers, acquaintances, coffeeshop uncles and pretty much anyone whom I am not close to (which is of a strict definition: someone whom I am desensitised to because I talk to him/her on a daily basis).

This also extends to my online life, which explains why I am hardly on Facebook. Which is also why I only found out my sister is (likely to be) married way before all my friends did. My gawd I phail as a sister.

By the way, my dear friends, please don't wish me Happy Birthday on my Facebook wall. The prospect of having to answer you in the (probably imagined) sea of gazes from 264 FB Friends makes me pee.

Remind me to blog about Latvia but for now I'm just plain lazy and too hooked on torrented stuff.

four days alone in latvia

is what I planned for 24th to 27th April.

Oi Shan is certain that I would be kidnapped and sold to a child prostitute syndicate, but truth is, I feel no fear.

I feel a mix of agitation and anxiety and ardor that roughly makes up to a semblance of fear, but I feel no fear. Not in a good way.

Maybe if I get scared in the correct situations, it would be like a gamefaqs.com walkthrough that guides me 100% to act in sensible ways. People would finally like me O__O

Yet I do get scared, just not for my life. I get hell scared when I have to lose or disappoint people I care truckloads for. I sure have vested interest in making sure everyone around me communicates "I Am Happy" to me.

*typical scenario in Huan's life*

XXX looks tired/grumpy/sad/worried/insert other non-happy adjectives

[Huan's head: ALARM TEETEETEETEETEETEETEETEETEEETEETEE!

step 1: rectify the situation

if step 1 does not work, repeat step 1. ]

I attribute this perverse hobby of mine to someone I met in primary school, who also happens to be in nursing school now, on her way to become the Singaporean Mother Teresa.

I digressed.

Anyway I just wanted to say I wouldn't die. I've got a good feeling about it. Ya?