i was just thinking

... that giving your heart to someone is literally that. To love someone (and someone back), you have to pop your hearts out of its cavities and exchange them. That's the easy part. To keep it going, your heart learns to mould itself along the inside walls of the other, kind of like how you grow to love an ugly T-shirt and wear it all the time. You don't ever want to let go.

But if someday your bruised heart gets ejected back to you, it just doesn't fit right, for a while at least. As you walk about your daily routines, you can feel it wobbling right there, and it pains you. There are some nights when your heart takes a tumble in its own cavity, especially when your brain decides to play a late-night re-telecast of Terrible Things That Happened Before. You awake feeling all funny, and hug your pillow while you stay up all night trying to be brave.

It feels terrible to see the person again, because he/she can never look you straight in the eye (or maybe it depends on case by case). You don't have the courage to talk to him/her either, because the stuff leaks into the empty spaces of your heart cavity too easily. Yet you miss him/her like gawdawfulshit, and have all these Fantastical Bullshit Imaginary scenarios where you would go, "Hey bro!" and

he/she would go, "Hey how dya doing!" back and suddenly all those bad things don't matter anymore and you can be best friends again. [this is just one variation]

But everything gets better. You either wait for your heart to fill up the empty nooks again, or you plug it up with ice-cream and other feel-good things. And popular wisdom seems to suggest you'd never be the same again i.e. you'd have to live with a misshapen freak of a heart for a long long time.

Until you find someone you'd feel safe enough to make another exchange. Someone you think is cool enough to hang out with for the rest of Da Life.

But until then, you learn to live with the misfit heart.

(to dear friends: there you have it, I know you guys know that it is impossible to get me to open up to talking about Hurtful Things in life. I'm glad many of you had tried with immense frustration when I be all Hui-Huan and clam up about things : D here's as far as I can get)